Ninety percent of this game is half mental.
Not
Yogi -- baseball player Jim Wohlford, KC Royals in the 1970s
How come you get lemonade today which is made with artificial flavor and the furniture polish you get is made with real lemons?
True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
A Few Minutes More
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Sharon Strawderman,
Harrisonburg, Virginia**
A cop was patrolling at night in a well known spot. He sees a
couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully
approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the
wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the
rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the
car & gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his
window...
"Uh, yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious?
I'm reading a magazine, sir "
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says,
"And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a
pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car,
at night in a lovers' lane, and nothing obscene is happening!
"What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 25, sir."
"And her ... what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch & replies:
"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
On Leaving
Okay. It was clearly evident that about a million people felt like
they should go to Canada to escape the New Bush Regime if he won and some may
do that. Heck, the Canadian government even published a written invitation! As
the Right said during the Vietnam War, "Love it or Leave it." Right.
But one must also wonder what would have happened if Kerry had
won. Let's say only 500,000 Bush / Rush Believers were truly committed to the
Bush Doctrine of Religiously Motivated Governing and wanted to leave the US
since it was obvious that this dogma wasnÕt going to play anymore.
But where would they go?
My thinking ruled out Nazi Germany, since that isn't a reality in
the enlightened Germany we have today and that existed over 50 years ago.
Fascist Italy is also not a reality, since the Italians really get along with
one another these days. South Africa no longer has Apartheid so it rules that
out.
So, where could a committed religious zealot who felt that
religion and government should go hand in hand actually go other than The South
or Montana? Heck they could certainly enroll at Bob Jones University (which was
recently doing a mission to convert the Catholics in the US to Christianity
(really!!) ).
Only one place springs to mind: The MidEast.
Maybe that was really what was behind the US
invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan. Maybe this was the real strategy underlying
this nonsensical invasion of Iraq after 9/11 – they obviously werenÕt
involved with the terrorism (heck, why would a dictator want to support
anarchists anyway?) and they didnÕt have WMD (nut a nice story, huh?).
Maybe, all along, it was actually the
long-range plan to establish a new Far Right homeland and an attempt to take
over the oil resources and support Big Global Business. Do I hear the words,
Bush Religious Theocracy?
6 Minutes Late
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San
Francisco, CA**
There was a man named
George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They
asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he
may be 6 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the
round. Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes
late again. He shows up right on
time, golf's left handed, and wins the
round.
This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late,
and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired
of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.
They said, ''George,
every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you
show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?
George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake
up, I look over at my wife. If she
is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she
is laying on her back?''
George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''
Newlyweds
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Dave Dukart, Lakewood,
Colorado, via Karen Valdez, Denver**
A week after their marriage, these newlyweds from Kentucky paid a
visit to their doctor. "I can't figure it out doc, my testicles are
turning blue."
The doctor examined him and confirmed the unusual condition. He
asked the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm I prescribed?"
"Yes." she replied.
"And what kind of jelly are you using?" the doctor then
asked.
"Grape." she said.
How to impress
with verbiage and buzzwords
Think of any three-digit number, and then select the corresponding
buzzword from each column.
COLUMN I
COLUMN II
COLUMN III
------------------------------------ --------------------
0. integrated 0. management 0.
options
1. heuristic 1.
organizational
1. flexibility
2. systematized
2. monitored 2.
capability
3. parallel
3. reciprocal
3. mobility
4. functional 4. digital
4. programming
5. responsive 5. logistical
5. scenarios
6. optional 6.
transitional 6.
time-phase
7. synchronized
7. incremental 7. projection
8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
9. futuristic 9.
policy
9. contingency
For instance, number 257 produces "systematized logistical
projection," a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with a
sincere ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. No one will have the
remotest idea of what you're talking about, but the important thing is that
THEY ARE NOT ABOUT TO ADMIT IT!
A woman was holding a sŽance in hopes of getting in touch with her
late husband, who, during his life, had been a waiter in a big swanky
restaurant. The candles were lit and the room was silent. The medium went into
a trance and soon the table began to make knocking sounds and moving about.
ÒPhil,Ó she cried, Òis that you? Speak to me!Ó
ÒI canÕt,Ó said a ghostly voice. ÒIt is not my table.Ó
Did you hear about the doctor that was skiing and got lost on the
slopes.? He stamped out ÒHelpÓ on a clear area but he died a few hours later.
Nobody could read his writingÉ
Outside of a dog, a book is manÕs best friend; inside of a dog, it
is too dark to read.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You absolutely cannot get 8 cats to
pull a sled through the snow.
What a strange country. When it comes to electing a President, we
get two choices. When it comes to electing Miss America, we get 50.
You have the same chance winning the Big Lottery whether you play
or not.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They
have experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita
Rudner
When I was born, I was so surprised that I did not speak for a
year and a half.
If God had wanted us to go around naked, he would have made our
skin fit better.
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infantÕs life, she will choose to save the infantÕs life without even
considering if there are men on base.
The trouble with jogging is that it causes problems, like making
the ice fall out of your glass.
For many years, it was thought that it is a statistical
probability that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will
eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the
internet, we know that this is not true.
What is another word for Thesaurus?
If mini-marts are open 365 days a year and 24 hours a day, why do
the doors have locks on them?
THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE:
Living on Earth is
expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
How long a minute is
depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Birthdays are good for
you; the more you have, the longer you live.
Happiness comes
through doors you didn't even know you left open.
Ever notice that the
people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for
them?
Most of us go to our
grave with our music still inside of us.
If Wal-Mart is
lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
You may be only one
person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too
much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's
over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot
from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird
names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the
same box.
A truly happy person
is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Working for God on earth does not pay much, but His Retirement plan is out of this world.
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Norma Swenson, Lake
Park, Minnesota**
You might be a Floridian
if:
You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the
first names of Charley, Frances or Ivan
Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given
time
You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows,
to accent the house color
You think of your hall closet/saferoom as "cozy"
Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in"
than "screened in"
Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it
You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer
months
You, too, haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster
You now understand what that little "2% hurricane
deductible" phrase really means
You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof
shingles from your neighborhood
You have a 5 gallon bucket of roofing tar in the garage
You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw
Your Street has more than 3 "NO WAKE" signs posted
You now own 5 large ice chests
You can cook "anything" on a propane grill
You own more than two portable propane tanks
Your parrot can now say" hammered, pounded and hunker
down"
You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood
locations
You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy
of power company trucks come down your street
You're depressed when they don't stop
You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for:
plywood, roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer
You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags"
to make your own sand bags
You're considering upgrading your 16" to a 20" chainsaw
You know what "Bar chain oil" is
You're thinking of getting your wife the hardhat with the ear
protector and face shield for Christmas
You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable
You own more than one 5 gallon gas can
You know how to "backfeed" 220 through the dryer plug
You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed,
block and dry ice"
Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator
envy"
You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and
parade around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and
your neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator, doesn't get electric
And finally, you might be a Floridian if:
You ask your sister up north to start saving the Sunday Real Estate classifieds!
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Norma Swenson, Lake
Park, Minnesota**
An Alabama redneck passed away and left his entire estate in trust
for his beloved widow. Under state law she can't touch it until she's 14.
Folks in Georgia now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more.
They were told 17 and under are not admitted.
They have just raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32.
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
It's true! In Mississippi reruns of Hee Haw are called
documentaries.
How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married? There's
dried tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.
Tennessee has a new $3,000,000 State Lottery. Yeah, the winner
gets $3 a year for a million years.
Recently, the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock burned down. In
fact, it pert'near took out the whole trailer park.
A law recently changed in South Carolina and now states: When a
couple gets divorced, they can still remain brother and sister.
The best thing to ever come out of Arkansas is I-40!
An Alabama State Trooper stopped a pickup truck. He asked the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver said, "Bout what?"
**Contributed
to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ross Goodman, Tacoma, Washington**
Dear Tide:
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my
married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.
Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even
better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white
blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy
I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to
another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to
get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.
After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of
liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all
of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that the
detectives, who came by yesterday, told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were
negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be
considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief!
I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well,
gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...
Signed, A relieved menopausal wife
Isn't That Precious
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ross Goodman, Tacoma,
Washington**
Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation while
waiting in the private American Airlines club at the LAX airport. The 1st lady
was an arrogant self-consumed, egotistical Californian married to a wealthy
man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on if they had any children the
California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my
husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that
precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my
husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that
precious?"
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third
child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that
precious??"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your
husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the
Southern lady.
"Charm school??" the first woman cried, "Oh my God!
What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for one thing, instead of saying 'Who gives a shit?' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious?"
**Contributed to SwennyÕs E-Mail Funnies by Cindy Bigger, Alexandria,
Minnesota**
Supposedly, Dr. Phil scored 55 -- he did this test on Oprah -- she got a 38. DonÕt be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes.
Don't peek but begin
the test as you scroll down and answer. Answers are for who you are now......
not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready.
This is supposedly a
real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations
today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and
prospective employees. It's only
10 simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter
answers.
======================================
1. When do you feel
your best?
a) in the morning
b) during the
afternoon and early evening
c) late at night
2. You usually
walk...
a) fairly fast, with
long steps
b) fairly fast, with
little steps
c) less fast head up,
looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head
down
e) very slowly
3. When talking to
people you...
a) stand with your
arms folded
b) have your hands
clasped
c) have one or both
your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the
person to whom you are talking
e) play with your
ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair
4. When relaxing, you
sit with...
a) your knees bent
with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs
stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled
under you
5. When something really amuses you, you react with...
a) big appreciated
laugh
b) a laugh, but not a
loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile
6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...
a) make a loud
entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet
entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest
entrance, trying to stay unnoticed
7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're
interrupted......
a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely
irritated
c) vary between these
two extremes
8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
a) Red or orange
b) black
c) yellow or light
blue
d) green
e) dark blue or
purple
f) white
g) brown or gray
9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before
going to sleep....
a) stretched out on
your back
b) stretched out face
down on your stomach
c) on your side,
slightly curled
d) with your head on
one arm
e) with your head
under the covers
10. You often dream that you are...
a) falling
b) fighting or
struggling
c) searching for
something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have
dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are
always pleasant
POINTS:
1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7
(d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5
(d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2
(d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3
(d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5
(d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4
(d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3
(d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1
Now add up the total
number of points.
OVER 60 POINTS:
Others see you as someone they should "handle with
care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely
dominant. Others may admire you,
wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to
become too deeply involved with you.
51 TO 60 POINTS:
Others see you as an
exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader,
who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you
as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who
takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the
excitement you radiate.
41 TO 50 POINTS:
Others see you as
fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone
who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not
to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and
understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.
31 TO 40 POINTS:
Others see you as
sensible, cautious, careful, practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or
talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to
friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you
realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it
takes you a long time to get over it, if that trust is ever broken.
21 TO 30 POINTS:
Your friends see you
as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful,
slow and steady. It would really surprise them if you ever did something
impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything
carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this
reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.
UNDER 21 POINTS:
People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone
who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions;
who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier
who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring.
Only those who know you well know that you aren't.
Scott was a 33É
A Little Quiz
**Contributed to SwennyÕs E-Mail Funnies by Stacy Swenson, West
Fargo, North Dakota**
How many of these questions can you answer? Are you really THAT
observant? The average person only gets 7 right. This is based on U.S. & Canadian info, so use all lobes
of your brain. This can be more difficult than it looks - it just shows how
little most of us really see! There are 27 questions about things we see every
day or have known about all our lives.
1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
2. How many states are there in the USA?
3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
5. What two numbers on the normal U.S. telephone dial don't have
letters by them?
6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left
leg?
7. How many matches are in a standard pack?
8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?
9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?
10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
11. Which way does a no smoking sign's slash run?
12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
13. On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?
14. Which way do fans rotate?
15. What is on the back of a Canadian dime?
16. How many sides does a stop sign have?
17. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?
18. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
19. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
20. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy,Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
21. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
22. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?
23. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord to slide them up
and down?
24. On the back of a Canadian $1 coin, what is in the center?
25. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols
bear no digits?
26. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?
27. Does a merry-go-round turn? Counter or clockwise?
ANSWERS
1. Bottom
2. 50 3. Right
4. Blue, red, white,
yellow, black, gold
5. 1, 0
6. Right
7. 20
8. Red
9. 88
10. Clockwise (north
of the equator)
11. Towards bottom
right
12. 12 (no #1)
13. Left
14. Clockwise as you
look at it
15. The Bluenose
16. 8
17. Left
18. 5
19. 6
20. Bashful
21. 8
22. Ace of spades
23. Left
24. Loon
25. *, #
26. 3
27. Counter
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San
Francisco, CA**
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're
charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You
bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your
mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You
bastard!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom,
"Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no
more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that
understood?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by David
Dukart, Lakewood, Colorado, via Karen Valdez, Denver, CO**
Women
just don't get it and when you point it out they still get snotty.
One
evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion
starts to heat up but then she says "I don't feel like it, I just want you
to hold me."
I
said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every
husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my
emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a
man."
She
responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I
am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was
going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The
very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We
went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed dept.
store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very
expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll
just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I
said. "Let's get a pair for each outfit."
We
went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave
short of a shipwreck.
I
started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet
when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop
when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual
satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling
with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear,
let's go to the cashier."
I
could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."
Her
face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
"WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD
this stuff for awhile. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a
man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just
when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't
you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently
I'm not having sex tonight either.
The Lie Clock
A
man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of Peter at the Pearly Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St.
Peter answered, "Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh,"
said the man, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's
Nelson Mandela's. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a
lie."
"
Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St.
Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
Where's
Bush's clock?" asked the man.
Bush's
clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Bigger
and Dumber
A mother and
father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walks
along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his
mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, The bigger they
are, the sillier the lady is."
The boy, pleased
with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that
many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies,
"The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
Thoughts on Life
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San
Francisco, California**
1. My Thoughts on Vegetarians.
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter."
2. My Thoughts on Prisoners.
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house
each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners
into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I
don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they
should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity.
And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to
the generator.
3. My Thoughts on Fabric Softeners.
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was
for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their
breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our
wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get
that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.
4. My Thoughts on morning differences.
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused
in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the
women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the
morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near
our optic nerve.
5. My Thoughts on Grandma
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy
Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out entering wet shawl contests.
6. My Thoughts on answering machines. Did you ever hear one of
these corny positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a
great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought
for the day is: Share the love." BEEP "Uh, yeah...this is the
infectious disease clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test
results are back. Stop sharing the
love.."
The following were taken off of actual police car videos around
the country.
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate
a
worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't
know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my
gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can
write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't
think it
will help. Oh ... did
I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You
want a warning? O.K., I'm warning
you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you
are drunk
or not. Was Mickey
Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want
me to be fair? Listen, fair is a
place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota.
Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now
we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal
friend of
yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Sign here." (he
he he he he he .......... ouch!)
MEDICAL INSURANCE EXPLAINED
(Research done by the AARP Legal
Department)
**Contributed to
Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San Francisco, California**
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the
phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges,
who discovered that a patient
could be made
to forget the
pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q. I just joined
an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly
more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing
all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two
categories--those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will
see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the
remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an
office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require
pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting
conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require
any treatment.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What happens if I want to try
alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms
of payment.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic
drugs, but I need the name brand.I
tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should
I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What if I'm
away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q. I think I need to see a specialist,
but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general
practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all
you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Will health care be different in the
next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you
might get an appointment by then
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Sharon Strawderman,
Harrisonburg, VA**
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting. I went to
the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came
out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said,
"Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a
Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tires. So I called him a piece of horse crap. He finished the second ticket and
put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third
ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.. the more I abused him, the
more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a crap. My car was parked around the
corner.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.
**Contributed to
Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San Francisco, California**
Two old drunks
were drinking in the pub together, when the first one says, "You know,
Mick, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. When
I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it
about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm 60 next week and now I can almost bend it in
half with just one hand."
"So, "
says the second drunk, "What's your point?"
"The point is, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm going to get."
Liberals
**Contributed to
Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lindsey Johnson Suddarth, Mendon, Vermont**
Day in the Life of
Joe, Middle-Class Conservative by John Gray Cincinnati
Joe gets up at 6:00
a.m. to prepare his morning coffee. He fills his pot full of good clean
drinking water because some liberal fought for minimum water quality standards.
He takes his daily medication with his first swallow of coffee. His medications
are safe to take because some liberal fought to insure their safety and work as
advertised.
All but $10.00 of
his medications are paid for by his employer's medical plan because some
liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance, now
Joe gets it too. He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs this day.
Joe's bacon is safe to eat because some liberal fought for laws to regulate the
meat packing industry.
Joe takes his
morning shower reaching for his shampoo; his bottle is properly labeled with
every ingredient and the amount of its contents because some liberal fought for
his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained.
Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is
clean because some tree hugging liberal fought for laws to stop industries from
polluting our air. He walks to the subway station for his government subsidized
ride to work; it saves him considerable money in parking and transportation
fees. You see, some liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which
gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.
Joe begins his work
day; he has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid
holidays and vacation because some liberal union members fought and died for
these working standards. Joe's employer pays these standards because Joe's
employer doesn't want his employees to call the union. If Joe is hurt on the
job or becomes unemployed he'll get a worker compensation or unemployment check
because some liberal didn't think he should lose his home because of his
temporary misfortune.
It's noon time, Joe
needs to make a Bank Deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe's deposit is
federally insured by the FSLIC because some liberal wanted to protect Joe's
money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the
Depression.
Joe has to pay his
Fannie Mae underwritten Mortgage and his below-market federal student loan
because some stupid liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better
off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime.
Joe is home from
work, he plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the
country. He gets in his car for the drive to dad's; his car is among the safest
in the world because some liberal fought for car safety standards. He arrives
at his boyhood home. He was the third generation to live in the house financed
by Farmers Home Administration because bankers didn't want to make rural loans.
The house didn't have electric until some big government liberal stuck his nose
where it didn't belong and demanded rural electrification (those rural
Republicans would still be sitting in the dark). He is happy to see his dad who
is now retired. His dad lives on Social Security and his union pension because
some liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn't have to.
After his visit with
dad he gets back in his car for the ride home. He turns on a radio talk show,
and the host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. (He
doesn't tell Joe that his beloved Republicans have fought against every
protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day) Joe agrees, "We
don't need those big government liberals ruining our lives; after all, I'm a
self made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I
have."
by John Gray
Cincinnati, Ohio -
jgray7@cinci.rr.com - Published July - 2004
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ross Goodman, Tacoma,
Washington**
Today I got up early as usual. When I was going to have breakfast I slipped on the stairs
and got a big bump on my head.
To calm me down, my wife gave me a cup of coffee; I burned my
tongue because it was too hot.
I put a slice of bread in the toaster and when I went to get it
out I got an electric shock that sent me on my behind.
The telephone rang, it was the office just to tell me that last night
the safe was broken into.
I decided this was a good time to take a nice hot
shower and meditate in order to bring down my stress and relax. That is when it happened..........
Bad day
Today I got up early as usual. When I was going to have breakfast I slipped on the stairs
and got a big bump on my head.
To calm me down, my wife gave me a cup of coffee; I burned my
tongue because it was too hot.
I put a slice of bread in the toaster and when I went to get it
out I got an electric shock that sent me on my behind.
The telephone rang, it was the office just to tell me that last
night the safe was broken into.
I decided this was a good time to take a nice hot
shower and meditate in order to bring down my stress and relax. That is when it happened..........
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ross Goodman, Tacoma,
Washington**
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when
his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off
the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Are any of those people in
your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy,
and that he should simply stay in his house, lock his doors and an officer
would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned
the police again. "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there
were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've
just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and
an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught
the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that
you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Sharon Strawderman,
Harrisonburg, Virginia**
The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Georgia,
Florida, Tennessee and Mississippi announced today that they have made a
disturbing discovery in their states. Apparently, a small number of Al Qaeda
terrorists have become romantically involved with local redneck girls.
The result is not pretty and they now have the sad task of
reporting the creation of a new sector of the human race: Islamabubbas.
So far, only a smattering of actual births have been reported, but
Pat Robertson's Christian Coalition is hard at work trying to isolate and seal
them off. To date, the Coalition has identified the following children:
Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Boudit
Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Amgood Atat
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl
Linda Sue Bin There Dundat
Not surprisingly, the Coalition believes they all seem to have
sprung from one couple:
Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin
In
the beginning . . . God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and
spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then
using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Kreme.
And
Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said:
"Yes!"
And
Woman said: "I'll have one too, with sprinkles." And lo they gained
10 pounds.
And
God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man
found so fair.
And
Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and
combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
So
God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad!"
And
Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And
Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God
then said: "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in
which to cook them."
And
Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster chunks,
and chicken-fried steak--so big it needed its own platter. And Man's
cholesterol went through the roof.
Then
God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium
and good nutrition.
Then
Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips
and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man
put on more pounds.
God
then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra
pounds.
And
Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to
toil changing the channels.
And
Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing
stretch jogging suits.
God
then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy
his appetite.
And
Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said:
"You want fries with that?"
And
Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!" And Satan said: "It is
good."
And
Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest. God sighed...and created quadruple
by-pass surgery.
And
then . . . Satan chuckled . . . ......... created HMOs.
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair,
Detroit Lakes, Minnesota**
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Jeff Reither, Amery,
Wisconsin**
Many colleges and business's tend to strip the last name down to 6
characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to
make up an e-mail address.. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or
fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen
when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from.
Add to that a large database of company/college. Acronyms and you have some very funny
addresses. Probably not funny to
the individual involved, however:
Top ten actual E-mail Addresses
10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu
9. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) -
dickinme@iup.edu
8. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu
7. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu
6. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu
5. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division,
Overton, Canada) -
btkisser@bendover.com
4. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.com
3. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu
2. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) -
blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
but at No 1, it had to be...
1. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) -
beeranbj@myplace.com
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of
a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the
two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up
the offering", and five guys
and two women stand up.
opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church
holiday.
a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive
truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names
in the church directory.
Baptism is referred
to as "branding".
high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift
something too heavy.
the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.
the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo
from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call..
the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
the final words of the benediction
are, "Y'all come back now, yeh Hear"
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Dave Martin, Ohio, via
Karen Valdez, Denver, Colorado**
Did you miss these during the Olympic Broadcasts? Here are the top nine comments made by
NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take
back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was
amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I
speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially
my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even
some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should
think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition
doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the
wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like
they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of
the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife
takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
A Short Story by a Clever Blonde
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Todd Jacobson, Fargo,
North Dakota**
The blonde college girl was supposed to write a short story in as
few words as possible for her English class and the instructions were that it
had to include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
She was the only one who received an A+. This is what she wrote:
"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder
who did it."
Vices
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Oswaldo Mera,
Guttenberg, New Jersey**
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss
their options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was
Homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of
you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would
never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for
their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could
not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot
of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off
his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat! shaken, left
the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they
walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still
burning. The Homosexual looked at
the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up,
we're both dead."
**Contributed
to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San Francisco, California**
A
filthy rich man in South Carolina decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only
redneck in the neighborhood.
He
held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was
having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and
flirting with the women.
At
the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft. man-eating gator
in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump
in the pool with him."
The
words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone
turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and
kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs,
throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and
flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The
water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were
screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float
to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody
was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy,
I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No,
that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The
rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How
about half a million bucks then?"
"No
thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The
host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Leroy
said no.
Confused,
the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy
said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool."
GREEK SECURITY TEAM FAILS TO NOTICE GIANT HORSE
Mysterious Wooden Structure Causing Pre-Olympic Jitters
Olympic security officials in Athens, Greece conceded today that
they had failed to notice a giant wooden horse that had been wheeled to within
meters of the Olympic stadium sometime late last week. The sudden appearance of
the gigantic horse, which was said to measure over one hundred cubits in width,
has raised fresh concerns that the security around the Olympic complex might be
more porous than originally thought.
"When you're spending over $1.5 billion in security, quite
frankly, somebody shouldn't be able to wheel a giant wooden horse right up to
your stadium," said one U.S. official today.
But Thanasis Kyriakou, who is coordinating the security efforts
for the 2004 Olympics, said that the horse, while of unknown origin, posed no
serious security threat to the Games, which are set to begin in three days.
"If anything, this gigantic horse is only bringing more
attention to the Olympics," he said. "I see this horse as a
tremendous gift." Sharply disagreeing with Mr. Kyriakou is NBC Sports
Chairman Ebersol, who said that the unplanned presence of a gigantic horse
could ruin his network's coverage of the Games.
"It's wrecking all of our camera angles," Mr. Ebersol
said. "Everywhere you look, there's that dopey horse in the
background."
For his part, Mr. Kyriakou believes that the enormous horse could
enhance viewership of the Olympics and has even recommended wheeling the
mysterious wooden structure into the stadium itself.
"I say let the horse in," he said. "What's the
worst that could happen?"
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Sharon Strawderman,
Harrisonburg, Virginia**
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him
something. The driver screamed,
lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped
just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the
driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights
out of me."
The passenger, who was also
frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder
could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's
really not your fault at all.
Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
Contributed to Swenny«s E'Mail Funnies by Dave Dukart, via Karen Valdez, Denver, Colorado
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes
passion. Suddenly you're in bed
with a relative.
3. I saw a woman
wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. How come we choose
from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
5. A good friend will
come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you
saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
6. I signed up for an
exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I
wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
7. When I was young
we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
8. Don't argue with
an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
9. Wouldn't it be
nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete'
and start all over?
10.
Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but
FAT cells live forever.
Romance means finding a way to keep two people apart for at least
10 chapters.
Character describes an ongoing multiple-personality disorder and
not your personal ethics.
The bookstore cashier knows your full name and phone number by
heart, but you have to show ID to write a check at the grocery store.
Criticism is something you hope for before publication,
and ignore after publication.
Feedback doesn't mean your holding the microphone wrong,
but can be just as painful.
Dialogue is the manifestation of all the voices jabbering in your
head.
A Galley isn't a place to eat on the high seas, but proof you actually
sold a book.
A Hero is a guy you continually try to flaw.
Air, water and food are second to chocolate, caffeine, and a
really good pen.
A Heroine is the gal you keep making miserable.
The last conversation you had was with an imaginary person.
A Style Guide is not a measure of how good you look,
but how much you don't know.
Plot isn't where the body is buried, but how they died.
Tone has nothing, and everything, to do with your voice.
Pacing isn't a nervous habit
Outline is not evidence of what size underwear you're wearing.
Point-of-View really has nothing to do with what you think,
but which head your in.
You can't remember what you last ate, but the empty plate still
isn't washed.
Proof is easier to plant, than it is to do.
Setting has absolutely nothing to do with how many you expect for
dinner.
Bed and breakfast describes your office space.
Compliments about your style don't address the last of the clean
laundry you're currently wearing.
Above from Jennifer Turner - Roto-Writer Critique Service
Pampurred
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Sharon Strawderman,
Harrisonburg, Virginia**
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them
all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out
alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature
anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that
you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity
to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the
do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too
old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40
years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him
checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him
jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Please pause a moment, reflect
back, and take the following Multiple Choice test.... No need to keep
score. The events are actual cuts
from past history. They actually
happened! Do you remember?
1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics,
athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:
a. Olga Corbitt
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzeneger
d. Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
2. In 1979, the U.S. embassy in
Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of
80-year-old women
d. Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
3. During the 1980's a number of
Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
4. In 1983, the U.S. Marine
barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
5. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille
Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year-old American passenger was murdered and thrown
overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
6. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was
hijacked at Athens, and a U.S. Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was
murdered by:
a. Captain Kidd
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was
bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The
Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
8. In 1993 the World Trade Center
was bombed the first time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
9. In 1998, the U.S. embassies in
Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary Clinton, to
distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
c. The World Wrestling
Federation
d. Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
10. In 2000, the U.S.S. Cole was
attacked and 17 sailors were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of
Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
11. On 9/11/01, four airliners
were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers
and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was
diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E.
Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of
Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists
mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
12. In 2002 the United States
fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
13. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl
was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonnie and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
14. In 2004 American workers were kidnapped, tortured,
murdered, burned and hung on a bridge for display by:
a. Walt Disney
b. Spiderman
c. George Washington
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
15. In 2004 American worker Nick Berg was kidnapped and had his
head sawed off with an 10 inch blade while he was alive and awake by:
a. Hans Christian Anderson
b. Batman
c. Andrew Jackson
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
16. In 2004 American soldier Keith Maupin was kidnapped and
had his head sawed off with a knife while he was alive and awake by:
a. Porky Pig
b. Ms Piggy
c. Kermitt
d. Muslim male extremists mostly
between the ages of 17 and 40
17. In 2004 American businessman Paul Johnson was kidnapped
and has his head sawed off with an 8 inch blade while he was alive and awake
by:
a. Superman
b. The Joker
c. The Penguin
d. Muslim male extremists mostly
between the ages of 17 and 40
18. In 2004 Korean worker Kim Sun-Il was kidnapped and had
his head sawed off by a 10 inch knife while alive and awake by:
a. The Grim Reaper
b. The Temptations
c. Adolf Hitler
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between
the ages of 17 and 40
Nope, I really don't see a pattern
here to justify profiling, do you?
So, to ensure we Americans never
offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport security
screeners will no longer be allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of
80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification,
Secret agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old
congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winning former Governors, and
leave Muslim Males between the ages 17 &40 alone because of profiling.
Let's send this to as many people
as we can so that the Gloria Aldreds and other dunder-headed attorneys along
with Federal Justices that want to thwart common sense, feel doubly ashamed of
themselves if they have any such sense.
As the writer of the award winning
story "Forrest Gump" so aptly put it, "Stupid is as stupid
does."
**Contributed to
Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San Francisco, California**
Two old drunks
were drinking in the pub together, when the first one says, "You know,
Mick, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. When
I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it
about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm 60 next week and now I can almost bend it in
half with just one hand."
"So, "
says the second drunk, "What's your point?"
"The point is, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm going
to get."
More things that make you go "Hmmm..."
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Stephen Papa, New York
City, New York**
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's
daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad
guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but
trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our
highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without
regulation.
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary
Clinton.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies,
then demand their cooperation and money.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing
health care to all Americans is socialism.
HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public
at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense.
A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands
die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're
a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your
recovery.
You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John
Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to
adopt.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is
of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lindsey Johnson Suddarth, Mendon, Vermont, with the following note: "Thought you might enjoy this funny perspective on Vermont sent to me by a friend who also transplanted to Vermont! How true!"**
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through
18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by,
you might live in Vermont.
If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights
each year because Jericho is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in
Vermont.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March,
you might live in Vermont
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of
the year, you might live in Vermont.
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work
there, you might live in Vermont.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of
his forehead you might live in Vermont.
If you often hear people say that "you can't get there from
here."
You know what a flatlander is.
Larry, Daryl and Daryl didn't offend you because they live down
the road from you.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might
live in Vermont.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might
live in Vermont.
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who
dialed a wrong number, you might live in Vermont.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Vermonter WHEN:
1. "Vacation" means going east past I-91 for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in
the same day and back again.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging
blizzard, without flinching.
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including
weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave
both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows
how to use them.
9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are
filled with snow.
11. You know that the
"5th" season is* Mud Season
12. You can identify a southern or western accent.
13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next
to your blue spruce.
14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
15. Down South to you means Connecticut or Maryland.
16. You have no idea what scrapple is, and don't want to.
17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new shed.
18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.
19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly.
22. You actually understand these
jokes, and you forward them to all your Vermont friends.
Motto: Be sure and
cancel your credit cards before you die.........
My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for
February and March for their
monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and
interest on the monthly charge.......the balance had been $0.00.......now was
somewhere around $60.00
I placed the
following phone call to CitiBank:
Me: I am calling to tell you that she
died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and
the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."
CitiBank: "Since
it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what
will they do when they find out she is dead?"
CitiBank:
"Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to
the credit bureau...maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
CitiBank: "...excuse me?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part
about her being dead?"
CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )
(After they get the fax.)
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."
Me:
"Oh..."
CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could
just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still
apply."
Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
CitiBank: "That
might help."
Me: "
(Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number
given.)
CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?
**Contributed to Swenny's
E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San Francisco, California**
A little old man
shuffled....... slooooowly into an
ice cream parlor, pulled himself............... slooooowly.........
painfully........... up onto a stool.
After catching his
breath....................... he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly,
"Crushed nuts?"
"No,"
he replied, "Arthritis."
Pecans In The Cemetery
======================
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a
big, old
pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day,
two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat
down by
the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the
nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"
said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down
toward
the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his
bicycle.
As
he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside
the cemetery.He slowed down to investigate. Sure
enough, he heard, "One for you, one for
me. One for
you, one for me." He just knew what it
was. He jumped
back on his bike and rode off. Just
around the bend he met an old man with a cane,
hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy,
"you won't believe
what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the
cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see
it's hard
for me to walk." When the boy insisted
though, the man
hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence
they
heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for
me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been
tellin' the
truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking
with fear, they peered through the fence, yet
were
still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron
bars
of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to
get
a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for
me. That's
all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and
we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full
5
minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.
A
woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly,sees
them and hides in the bedroom
closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing
that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in
here." The man says,
"Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No,
thanks." Boy - "My dad's
outside."
Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it
is." Boy -
"I have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the
boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy,
"Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball
and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them
for?" The boy says -
"$1,000". The father
says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is far more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the
little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit
again."
Drug Problem
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lynne
Lentz, Kalamazoo, Michigan**
My generation just might have been lucky. I had a drug problem when was young,
but I turned out all right. I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug
to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions no matter
the weather. I was drug to the bus stop to go to school every weekday. I was
drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults and teachers. I was also
drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents. Those drugs are still in my
veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are
stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin, and if today's children had this kind
of drug problem, the world might be a better place.
Signed,
An Old Fart
You know you live in California when
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by
Eduardo Ramos, San Francisco, California**
1.
Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2.
You make over $300,000 a year and still can't afford a house.
3.
You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4.
Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named
Breeze.
5.
You can't remember.is pot illegal?
6.
You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you
can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8.
You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9.
You can't remember if pot is illegal?
10.
A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
11.
A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
12.
Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
13.
A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't
even notice.
14.
Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and
sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
15.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
16.
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your
mail is into S&M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
17
You can't remember if pot is illegal.
18.
Its barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station:
"STORM WATCH
2004."
19.
You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is
teaching the 4:00 pm Tae Bo class.
20.
You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with
their Cell
Phones and PDA's.
21.
It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to
avoid all the
weather-related accidents.
22.
Hey! Really, Is Pot Illegal????
23.
Both you AND your dog have therapists.
24.
The Terminator is your governor.
Hellmann's Mayonnaise and the Titanic
Most people don't know that back in 1912,
Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the titanic was
carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz,
Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop
in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment
of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not
make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever
lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting
its delivery were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that
they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
This national day of mourning occurs each year on
May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Things you have to believe to be a
Republican today.
1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a
crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you
need our prayers for your recovery.
2. The United States should get out of the United
Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions
against Iraq.
3. Government should relax regulation of Big
Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to
relieve the pain of illness.
4. "Standing Tall for America" means
firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about
her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all
mankind without regulation.
6. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of
homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
7. The best way to improve military morale is to
praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
8. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins
unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
9. If condoms are kept out of schools,
adolescents won't have sex.
10. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle
our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
11. HMOs and insurance companies have the
interest of the public at heart.
12. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound
policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
13. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer
are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him,
a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did
business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin
Laden" diversion.
15. A president lying about an extramarital
affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war
not approved by the Congress in which thousands die is a solid defense policy.
16. Government should limit itself to the powers
named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring
the Internet.
17. The public has a right to know about
Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving and service records are none
of our business.
18. You support states' rights, which means
Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives
they have a right to adopt.
19. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of
vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
20. Trade with Cuba is wrong because! the country
is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of
international harmony.
Feel free to pass these on. If you don't send
them to at least ten other people, we're likely to be stuck with Bush for 4
more years.
"Back in 2000 a Republican friend warned me
that if I voted for Al Gore and he won, the stock market would tank, we'd lose
millions of jobs, and our military would be totally over stretched. You know
what? I did vote for Gore, he didn't win, and I'll be damned if all those
things didn't come true!"
-- James Carville
Imagine
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by
Carter Olson, St. Paul, Minnesota**
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I
don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were
Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't
make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
A beggar asked me for 50¢ for a sandwich. I said,
"First let me see the sandwich."
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts
free?
They told me I was gullible . and I believed
them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the
home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Experience is the thing you have left when
everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk
about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every
problem begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead
batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
My weight is perfect for my height - which
varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its
popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from
it all"?
The speed of time is one-second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you
read all right?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do
you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the
ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste
like chicken?
Telephone Troubles - A true
story of diagnostic analysis
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Karen
Valdez, Denver, Colorado**
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to
report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on
the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the
phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene,
curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby
telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The
phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone
began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone
repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's
ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was
loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling
current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would
start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit,
thus causing the phone to ring.
This, of course, does demonstrate conclusively
that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
So You Want to Be a Flight Attendant
Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Suzie
Fuller, via Karen Valdez, Denver, Colorado**
Chicago Daily Herald, May 16, 2004
Grounded advice for flight attendant wannabes
By Gail Todd
Recently, I received e-mail from two readers who
thought flying sounded like an exotic career and asked me if I would do it all
over again. So when I met two old flying cronies for lunch, I asked them the
same question.
We put our heads together and came up with a
training guide for anyone who is considering a career as a flight attendant and
is looking for the adventure of air travel. Here it is:
1. Go to a resale store and find an old, navy
suit that an army sergeant might have worn. Add a white shirt and a tie. Wear
the same outfit for three consecutive days.
2. Go to an airport and watch airplanes take off
for several hours. Pretend you are standing by for them and they are all full.
Go home. Return to the airport the next day and do the same thing again.
3. Fill several large boxes with rocks. Lift them
over your head and place them on the top shelf of a closet. Slam the door shut
until the boxes fit. Do this until
you feel a disk slip in your back.
4. Turn on a radio. Be sure to set it between
stations so there is plenty of static. Turn on the vacuum cleaner and garbage
disposal. Run them all night.
5. Remove the covers from several TV entrees.
Place them in a hot oven. Leave
the food in the oven until it's completely dried out. Remove the hot trays with
your bare hands. Serve to your family. Don't include anything for yourself.
6. Serve your family a beverage one hour after
they've received their meal. Make
them remain in their seats during this time. Ask them to scream at you and
complain about the service.
7. Scrounge uneaten rolls off the plates for you
to eat two hours later when you're really hungry.
8. Place a straight-backed chair in a closet
facing a blank wall. Use a belt to strap yourself into it. Eat the rolls you
saved from your family's meal.
9. Ask your family to use the bathroom as
frequently as possible. Tell them to make splashing water a game and see who
can leave the most disgusting mess. Clean the bathroom every hour throughout
the night.
10. Make a narrow aisle between several dining
room chairs and randomly scatter your husband's wing-tips and loafers along the
way. Turn off the lights and spend the night walking up and down the aisle
while banging your shins against the chair legs and tripping over the shoes.
Drink several cups of cold coffee to keep yourself awake.
11. Gently wake your family in the morning and
serve them a cold sweet roll.
Don't forget to smile and wish them a nice day when they leave for work
and school.
12. After the family leaves, take a suitcase and
go out in the yard. If it's not raining, turn on the sprinkling system and
stand in the cold for 30 minutes pretending like you're waiting for the crew
bus to pick you up. Then go inside and wait by your bedroom door for another 30
minutes for an imaginary maid to make up your room.
13. Change into street clothes and shop for five
hours. Pick up carry-out food from a local deli. Go back home. Sit on your bed
and eat your meal. Set your alarm for 3 a.m. so you'll be ready for your
wake-up call.
14. Repeat the above schedule for three days in a
row and you'll be ready to work your first international trip.
Several years ago, on a flight out of Denver, my
flying partner was half-buried in a cart trying to rescue the last few entrees
from a meal cart. A passenger asked her what she was doing. Without removing
her head from the carrier, she responded: "I'm looking for the glamour in
this job."
And yes, I would do it all over again. So would
my flying partners. Go figure.
Gail Todd, a free-lance writer, worked
as a flight attendant for more than 30 years.
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by
Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, Minnesota**
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're
full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll
bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to
humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you
people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being
smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a
message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand
a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited
us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I
was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of
strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just
don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over
your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial
misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged
by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't
mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine
is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just
insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of
Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties
are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would
be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with
fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing &still have
most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you
missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a
door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door
#1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, &disorder - my work here is
done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just
wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by
Virginia Bray, via Karen Valdez, Denver, Colorado**
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn:
CHICAGO.
One hand on wheel, middle finger out window:
NEW YORK.
One hand on wheel, middle finger out window,
cutting across all lanes of traffic:
NEW JERSEY.
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot
solidly on accelerator:
BOSTON.
One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double
decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap:
LOS ANGELES.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on
brake, quivering in terror:
INDIANA, but driving in CALIFORNIA.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on
accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat:
ITALY.
One hand on 12oz. double shot latte, one knee on
wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on
steering wheel while stuck in traffic:
SEATTLE.
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle,
alternating between both feet being on the accelerator, and both feet on brake,
throwing McDonald's bag out the window:
TEXAS.
Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted
in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:
OKLAHOMA.
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely
visible above windshield, driving 35 on the nterstate, in the left lane with
the left blinker on:
FLORIDA.
One hand on the wheel, the other on his sister:
ARKANSAS.
Thought to be from Steven Wright:
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect
it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other
parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with
the rain.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my
hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second
mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me
before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well you have
obviously overlooked something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the
wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough
sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays
off now.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy
her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked
into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death
twice?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all
evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of
thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the
softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to
steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is
no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll
have to catch up.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body
is required to be on it.
Everyone has a photographic memory; some just
don't have film.
Californians
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by
Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, Minnesota**
So as to not be outdone by all the redneck,
hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if :
1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none
are visible.
2. You take a bus and are shocked at two people
carrying on a conversation in English.
3. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple
hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
4. You can't remember, is pot illegal?
5. You've been to a baby shower that has two
mothers and a sperm donor.
6. You have a very strong opinion about where
your coffee beans are grown, and
you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
7. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
8 A
really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
9. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY
TV broadcast.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere
else in theU.S,
11. Stan Henry gets on the bus in full leather
regalia and crotchless chaps, and you don't even notice.
12. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at
Starbucks' wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George
Clooney really IS George Clooney.
13. Your car insurance costs as much as your
house payment.
14. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is
gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep
is a guy in drag.
15. You can't remember is pot illegal?
16. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a
report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
17. You have to leave the big company meeting
early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 pm Tae Bo class.
18. You pass an elementary school playground and
the children are all busy with
their cells or pagers.
19. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you
leave for work an hour early to
avoid all the weather-related accidents . . .
20. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????
21. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
and lastly,
22. The Terminator is your governor.
Tide Laundry Detergent
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by
Sharon Strawderman, Harrisonburg, Virginia, with the following note: "People never remember to write in
about the good things a product does, always the bad! So this is very
refreshing!!"**
Dear Tide:
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you
have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me
it was the best.
Now that I am older and going through menopause,
I find it even better! In fact,
about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband
started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a
pain in the neck.
Well, one thing led to another and I ended up
with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using
a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped and got a
bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and
satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by
yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and my attorney said that I
would no longer be considered a suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having such a great
product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...
Signed,
A relieved menopausal wife
Some Lessons in Leadership
Corporate Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife
is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. After a few
seconds of arguing over which one
should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives
up, quickly wraps
herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When
she opens the door, there
stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she
says a word, Bob says, "I'll
give you $800 to drop that towel that you have
on." After thinking for a
moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in front of Bob. After a
few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and
leaves. Confused, but excited
about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up
in the towel and goes back
upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her
husband asks from
the shower, "Who was that?" "It
was Bob the next door neighbor," she
replies. "Great!" the husband says,
"Did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical
information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time,
you may be in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the
side of the road. He
stopped and offered her a lift which she
accepted. She got in and crossed her
legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a
lovely leg. The priest had a look
and nearly had an accident. After controlling the
car, he stealthily slid
his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and
immediately said, "Father,
remember Psalm 129?" The priest was
flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing
gear, he let his hand slide
up her leg again. The nun once again said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized "Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him
a meaningful glance and went
on her way. On his arrival at the church, the
priest rushed to retrieve a
bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, "Go
forth and seek, further up, you will
find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed
in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the
manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They
rub it and a Genie comes out
in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I
usually only grant three wishes, so
I'll give each of you just one. " "Me
first! Me first!" says the admin.
clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving
a speedboat, without a care in
the world." Poof! She's gone. In
astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says
the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my
personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina
coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the
Genie says to the manager. The manager
says, "I want those two back in the office
after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the
first say.
Corporate Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all
day. A small rabbit saw
the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like
you and do nothing all day
long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why
not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox
appeared, jumped on the
rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing
nothing, you must be
sitting very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would
love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,
but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The
turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found
that it actually gave him enough strength to
reach the lowest branch of
the tree. The next day, after eating some more
dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he
was proudly perched at
the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted
by a farmer, who shot
the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the
top, but it won't
keep you there.
A blonde was speeding down the road in her little
red sports car and was
pulled over by a female cop who was also a
blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's
license. The driver dug through
her purse and was getting progressively more
agitated. "What does it look
like?" she asked. The cop replied, "It's square and it has your picture
on
it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it
to the cop.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde cop looked at the mirror,
then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can
go. I didn't realize you were a
cop."
Marriage in a Biblical Sense
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by
Stephen Papa, New York City, New York**
The Presidential Prayer Team is currently urging
us to: "Pray for the President as he seeks wisdom on how to legally codify
the definition of marriage. Pray that it will be according to Biblical
principles. With any forces insisting on variant definitions of marriage, pray
that God's Word and His standards will be honored by our government."
Any religious person believes prayer should be
balanced by action. So here, in support of the Prayer Team's admirable goals,
is a proposed Constitutional Amendment to codify marriage on biblical
principles:
A. Marriage in the United States shall consist of a
union between one man and one or more women. (Gen29:17-28; II Sam 3:2-5)
B. Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take
concubines, in addition to his wife or wives. (II Sam5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron.
11:21)
C. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the
wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed. (Deut
22:13-21)
D. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall
be forbidden. (Gen24:3; Num 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh10:30)
E. Since marriage is for life, neither this
Constitution nor the constitution of any State, nor any state or federal law,
shall be construed to permit divorce. (Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9)
F. If a married man dies without children, his
brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or
deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe.
(Gen.38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10)
The Presidential Prayer Team implores,
"...pray that God's Word and His standards will be honored by our
government."
All we can add is that they should be careful
what they wish for because they may get what they want.
Vodka. Who'd have thunk it??
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Tom
Valdez, Sr., Aurora, Colorado, via Karen Valdez, Denver, Colorado**
1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the
bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves the adhesive.
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and
showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set
five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the
lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka
cleans the glass and kills germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup
with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after
shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting
5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a
brush, then blot dry.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face
as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of
shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and
stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and
spray bees or wasps to kill them.
9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water
in a Ziploc freezer bag, and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for
aches, pain, or black eyes..
10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with
freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly
and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then
apply the tincture to aches and pains.
11. Make your own mouthwash by mixing nine
tablespoons powered cinnamon with one cup vodka. Seal in an airtight container
for two weeks. Strain through a coffee filter. Mix with warm water; rinse your
mouth. Don't swallow.
12. Using a q-tip, apply vodka to a cold sore to
help it dry out.
13. If a blister opens, pour vodka over the raw
skin as a local anesthetic that also disinfects the exposed dermis.
14. To treat dandruff, mix one cup vodka with two
teaspoons crushed rosemary, let sit for two days, strain through a coffee
filter and massage into your scalp and let dry.
15. To treat an earache put a few drops of vodka
in your ear. Let set for a few minutes. Then drain. The vodka will kill the
bacteria that is causing pain in your ear.
16. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub
vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.
17. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
18. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a
jellyfish sting.
19. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison
ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.
20. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth.
Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
21. If all else fails, just turn the bottle up
and drink it, nothing will matter anymore anyway!
Two elderly ladies had been
friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of
activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting
a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards
when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know
we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name!
I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your
name is."
Her friend glared at her. For
at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she
said
"How soon do you need to know?"
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to
support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from
your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays
you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd
one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts
stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably
crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
Excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really
have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's
private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they
were in the hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black
one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the
best-looking cow.
NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so
you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cowsofornia
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big
tits.
Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Sharon Strawderman,
Harrisonburg, Virginia**
1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had
nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over;
nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the
other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging
naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that ?" He
said "Because you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning. I put a shirt on
and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm
afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat
kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster
and radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She
told me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid who
came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and
said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled
through."
11. I'm so ugly. My mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece
of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help
me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find
them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can
hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking
how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I
get up and I look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with
me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping
pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I
get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves
a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four
times - three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he
was in the electric chair.
22. I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother.
What if I told you that you could do
nothing all day and become fabulously wealthy in the process? If you say,
"No way!" I say, "Absolutely right." Because now, thanks to
my new network marketing company, No Way, you can make a fortune selling boxes
of Nothing. I want you to think about all those people who told you that
nothing could make you rich and successful. Well, here is your chance to prove
them right!
I tell you, this is a business
opportunity whose time has come, because no matter what your problem is,
Nothing will help. For example, Nothing has been proven to cure every disease
imaginable. That's right. Studies show that placebos alone are effective in
about 20 percent of cases - and what better placebo than Nothing? You can
forget about pesky product liability lawsuits. We promise Nothing - and we
deliver. How many companies can make that claim?
Imagine how refreshing it will be for
your friends who have been inundated with multilevel marketing opportunities.
You can truthfully tell them you have Nothing to sell - and then sell it to
them! Yes, in a world filled with products that are really nothing disguised as
something, you call sell something disguised as Nothing. Think of all those
pessimystics out there who insist that nothing can help the starving
multitudes, nothing call alleviate poverty, nothing can revive our neighbouless
'hoods. I say, let's prove them right and prove them wrong at the same time.
Imagine armies of homeless or unemployed young folks selling boxes of Nothing
door-to-door. "They told me nothing could get me off the streets,"
they might say, "and I am hoping they are right. Will you help?"
Now why, you might ask, would anyone
be interested in buying Nothing? Well, for one thing, most of us already have
everything. In fact, we have so much of everything that we don't appreciate
nothing. After all, God made the entire Universe from nothing. And the same
holds true of our own creations. Every painting begins with an empty canvas,
every book with a blank page, every symphony with silence to be filled. As
Harry Cohen Baba used to say, "Listen, if you don't know Nothing, you
don't know nothing."
(Copyrighted Material Reproduced with Author's Permission - Duck Soup for the Soul. Written by Swami Beyondananda. Visit him at www.wakeuplaughing.com
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carter Olson, St.
Paul, Minnesota**
A man walked into a quiet bar. He carried three ducks, one in each
hand and one under his left arm. He placed them one beside the other upon the
bar. He had a few drinks and
chatted with the ducks, and with the bartender. The bartender was surprised, but experienced and had learned
not to ask people about animals they bring into the bar, so he didn't mention
the ducks.
They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the
ducks had to go to the rest room. He left the ducks there on the bar. The
bartender was alone with the ducks. There was an awkward silence as they all
looked at one another.
The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little
conversation. "Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck.
"Huey," replied the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles
all day! What else could a duck want?" said the duck.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. Then he said to
the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in and out of
puddles all day myself. If I had the chance another day I'd do the same
again!", said the duck in reply.
So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you
must be Louie?"
"No," she said, "my name is Puddles. And don't even
ask what kind of day I've had!"
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds
a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties
him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top
of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the
bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen,
this
guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably
spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I
saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,
don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no
matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably
very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought
you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him
it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Questions
asked of a Cruise Ship director:
1. Does the crew sleep onboard?
2. What time is the midnight buffet?
3. Which elevator takes me to the front of the ship?
4. Do you generate your own electricity?
5. Is this island totally surrounded by water?
6. Is the water in the toilet salt or fresh?
7. What language do they speak in Alaska?
8. What do you do with the ice carvings after they melt?
9. How high above sea level are we?
10. How do we know which pictures are ours?
11. Why did they build the glacier so far out of town?
12. What time do they turn on the Northern Lights?
13. What's the exchange rate for US currency?
14. Is this elephant ivory? (This was asked in a jewelry store
with a display of Alaska native designs. Alaska native ivory
work is done in
walrus ivory because there are no elephants in
Alaska. I suppose it's possible that the tourist didn't know
what it was done in, but it seems pretty obvious to me that
one thing it would not be done in would be elephant ivory.)
The Newlyweds
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San
Francisco, California**
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The
husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old
buddies. So, he said to his new wife,
"Honey, I'll be right
back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a
beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened
the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands
from 12 different countries:
Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he
could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you
know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
him by saying, "You want a
frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the
freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll,
but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I
won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven
and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips,
etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's
swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?... "LISTEN UP,
DI*CKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FU*CKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR
MOTHERFU*CKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE!
GOT IT, AS*SHOLE?"
And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?
Artificial Optimism
I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my office and its location,
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
And piles of paper that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell,
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers,
I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.
I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it won't care.
I love each program and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked a while.
I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job -- I'll say it again --
I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today,
In clean white coats to take me away.
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ross Goodman, Tacoma,
Washington**
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items
the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote
control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come
shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to
him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand
how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, and rip the
hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom
and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that
husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite
flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
WIFE vs. HUSBAND
#1
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
#2
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women
use a dayÉ30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to
repeat everything to men. The husband then turned to his wife and asked,
"What?"
#3
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me
beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be
attracted to you!"
#4
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew
the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get
up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here
and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in
the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed
him at the top of several pages, that it indeed saysÉ"HEBREWS."
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Dave Martin, Ohio, via
Karen Valdez, Denver, Colorado**
IF YOU HAVE BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
THINKING -- 'SURELY I CANNOT LOOK THAT OLD,' YOU MAY ENJOY THIS SHORT STORY.
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a
new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I
remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high
school class some 30 years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to
have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had
attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1972. Why?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked. "What did you
teach?"
PROFILING
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San
Francisco, California**
Please pause a
moment, reflect back, and take the following Multiple Choice test.... No need
to keep score. The events are actual cuts from past history. They actually
happened! Do you remember?
1. In 1972 at the
Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:
a. Olga Corbitt
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold
Schwarzeneger
d. Muslim male extremists
mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
2. In 1979, the U.S.
embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of
80-year-old women
d. Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
3. During the 1980's
a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
4. In 1983, the U. S.
Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery
boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
5. In 1985 the cruise
ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year-old American passenger was
murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair
by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
6. In 1985 TWA flight
847 was hijacked at Athens, and a U.S. Navy diver trying to rescue passengers
was murdered by:
a. Captain Kidd
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
7. In 1988, Pan Am
Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and
The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists
mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
8. In 1993 the World
Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
9. In 1998, the U.S.
embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary Clinton,
to distract attention from Wild Bill's women
problems!
c. The World
Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
10. On 9/11/01, four
airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade
Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the
other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of people were
killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley
E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court
of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
11. In 2002 the
United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran
Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
12. In 2002 reporter
Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonnie and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male
extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
Nope, I really don't
see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you? So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly
fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be
allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of
80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification,
Secret agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old
Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winning former Governors, and
leave Muslim Males between the ages 17 & 40 alone because of
profiling. Let's send this to as
many people as we can so that those in power and other dunder-headed attorneys
along with Federal Justices that want to thwart common sense, feel doubly
ashamed of themselves if they have any such sense.
As the writer of the award winning story "Forrest Gump"
so aptly put it, "Stupid is as stupid does."
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San
Francisco, California**
Boudreaux, he live across de bayou from Clarence who he don like
a-tall... not even a little bit.
An dat go boff way, too. Dey all
de time yell across de bayou to each other. Boudreaux yell to Clarence,
"If I had a way cross dis bayou, I'd come over dere an beat a knot on yo'
ugly head, twice! Yeah!"
Dis went on fo' years. Finally de state done built a bridge acrost
dat bayou right by boff dere houses. Boudreaux's wife, Marie, say, "Now
you chance, Boudreaux. Why don you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like
you say?" Boudreaux say,
"OK," and he start across de bridge but he sees a sign on de bridge
an he stop to read it and den he go rat back home.
Marie say, "Why you back so soon?"
And Boudreaux say, "Marie, I dun change my mind 'bout beatin'
up dat Clarence. You know, Marie, dey got a sign on dat dere bridge what say,
"Clarence 13 ft. 6 in." You know, he don look near dat big when I
yell at him across de bayou."
SUICIDE BOMBERS
Ever wonder why Middle Eastern Muslim terrorists are so quick
to volunteer on a mission to commit suicide? Let's just take a
closer look at their lifestyle ...
No premarital sex.
No Booze. None. Ever.
Sand. @#$%^& sand
everywhere!
No TV. No cable
TV. No satellite TV.
No Spice channel. No
Playboy channel. No ESPN. No HšotŽrs!
No Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
Sand. @#$%^&*
sand everywhere!
No organized sports of any kind. That's right, no sports!
Women are to be completely covered and wear veils.
No thongs.
No Victoria's Secret.
Very, very few cars.
Camels. Lots of
camels. Stinking, filthy
camels.
Sand. @#$%^&*
sand everywhere!
Ever try to fish at an Oasis?
No bass boats.
No bass.
No fish.
Sandstorms. More
@#$%^&* sand everywhere!
Rags for clothes and hats.
Camel and goat burgers cooked over burning camel dung chips.
Eating with your right hand only, because you wipe your bŸtt with
your left.
Toilet tissue is unknown.
Sand. @#$%^&*
sand everywhere!
No Golf. Just sand
traps.
Constant wailing next door
... no wait, that's music.
Praying 5 times a day for what? More of this life?
Oh, and did I mention the sand?
And when you die it's supposed to get better.
No wonder they volunteer for suicide missions!!!!
THE END
(Thanks Teddy Pooh)
Union Shop of Horrors
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carter Olson, St.
Paul, Minnesota**
A dedicated Teamsters
Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he
got to the first one, he asked the Madam,
"Is this a union
house?"
"No," she
replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."
"Well, if I pay
you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets
$80.00 and the girls get $20.00."
Mightily offended at
such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more
equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he
reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why, yes, sir, this IS a
Union House."
The man asked,
"And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get
$80.00 and the house gets $20.00."
"That's more
like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around
the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then pointing to an 85 year-old woman
in the corner, she continued "but Ethel here has seniority."
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carter Olson, St.
Paul, Minnesota**
Father O'Malley answers the phone
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will."
***********************
CONFESSION
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
conversation ensues: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70
years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I
picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex
with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."
**********************
BROTHEL TRIP
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would
like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and
asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've
had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe
you?"
***********************************
SENILITY
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm
getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up"
"That's not senility," replied the doctor.
"Senility is when you forget to zipdown."
***********************
PEST CONTROL
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover,"Into
the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked
him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the
exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of
moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and
said,... "Those little bastards!"
Ordering Pizza in 2008
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Stephen Papa, New York City, New York**
The way things are going, with
those information gathering cards that the grocery stores uses to monitor each
of your purchases combined with the mergers in insurance, credit and healthcare,
the mis-labeled PATRIOT Act, plus the various efforts of DARPA and other
government agencies, the following is not that far outÉ We begin:
Operator: "Thank you for
calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?"
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to
place an order."
Operator: "I must have
your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID
Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr.
Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366.
Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's
266-2566. Email address is sheehan@ home.net Which number are you calling from,
sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at
home. Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're wired
into the HSS, sir."
Customer: "The HSS, what
is that?"
Operator: "We're wired
into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your
ordering time"
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh,
well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas."
Operator: "I don't think
that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya
mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your
medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood
pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider
won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "What?!?! What
do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try
our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it."
Customer: "What makes you
think I'd like something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you
checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week,
sir. That's why I made the
suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all
right. Give me two family-sized ones, then."
Operator: "That should be
plenty for you, your wife and your four kids,and your 2 dogs can finish the
crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you
my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir,
but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its
limit."
Customer: "I'll run over
to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work
either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn also."
Customer: "Never mind!
Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a
little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you
might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying
pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."
Customer: "Wait! How do
you know I ride a scooter?"
Operator: "It says here
you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your
Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday"Customer: Well
I'll be a "@#%/$@&?#!"
Operator: "I'd advise
watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2006, conviction for
cussing out a cop and another one I see here on September for contempt at your
hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a
90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since
your return to society?"
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Will there be
anything else, sir?"
Customer: "Yes, I have a
coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke."
Operator:
"I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering
free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for
calling Pizza Hut!"
A young girl was going on her first date. Her grandmother said:
"Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. First, he is going
to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like
that but don't let him do that.
But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to
have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.
The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had
predicted: "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried,
I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced His family..."
Granny fainted
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San
Francisco, California**
Employee: "I'm
sorry but I can't come in today.
My doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma."
Boss: "Anal
Glaucoma? What's that?"
Employee: "I just can't see my
ass coming to work!"
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I
saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I
asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen
nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I
replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So
I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's
right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO
The paragraph above doesn't amaze me
because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the
local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on
the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they
keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get
mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my
items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar
code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do
you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I
don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her
for the things and left. She had no clue as to what had just happened.
THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a
credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I
inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet
and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM
"thingy."
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady
weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She
replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door
unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant
convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an
alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she
answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually
unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check
about the batteries. It's a long walk."
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern
who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and
said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. "What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that,
the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations
department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call
him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from
a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: I've got smoke coming
from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania,
interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting
it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was
placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought
the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector"
was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE
I was in a restraurant some time ago.
They had fried chicken on the menu and I didn't want anything fried. So I asked
the waitress if they had chicken prepared any way other than fried and she said
"well, we have chicken-fried steak"!
"Life is tough. It's tougher if
you're stupid "
Moron Engineers:
Understanding Engineers - Take One:
Two engineering students crossing the
campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took
off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly,
"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Understanding Engineers - Take Two:
To the optimist, the glass is half
full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half
empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as
big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take
Three:
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer
were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer
fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15
minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't
know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes
the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George! Say, what's with that
group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh,
yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our
clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free
anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad.
I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And
I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he
can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't
these guys play at night?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Four:
What is the difference between
Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons
and Civil Engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take
Five:
The graduate with a Science degree
asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree
asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree
asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks,
"Do you want fries with that?"
LITTLE JOHNNY'S SCIENCE EXPERIMENT
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carter Olson, St. Paul, Minnesota**
So Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment
with the worms.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn
from this experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you drink, smoke and
have sex, you won't have worms."
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Debbie Lagomarsino,
Paso Robles, CA**
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
* Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
* Do I look like a freakin' people person?
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Does your train of thought have a caboose?
* Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
* Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets
after them.
* Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you
haven't fallen asleep.
* Back off! You're standing in my aura.
* I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
* I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
* Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap!
* Keep honking ... I'm reloading.
* Forget about World Peace! Visualize using your turn signal.
* The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
How
to Get Things Done ~ Robert
Benchley
A
great many people have come up to me and asked me how I manage to get so much
work done and still keep looking so dissipated. Hundreds of thousands of people
throughout the country are wondering how I have time to do all my painting,
engineering, writing and philanthropic work when, according to the rotogravure
sections and society notes, I spend all my time riding to hounds, going to
fancy-dress balls disguised as Louis XIV, or spelling out GREETINGS TO
CALIFORNIA in formation with three thousand Los Angeles school children.
"All work and all play," they say.
The
secret of my incredible energy and efficiency in getting work done is a simple
one. I have based it very deliberately on a well-known psychological principle
and have refined it so that it is now almost too refined. I shall have to begin
coarsening it up again pretty soon.
The
psychological principle is this: anyone can do any amount of work, provided it
isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.
Let
us see how this works out in practice. Let us say that I have five things which
have to be done before the end of the week: (1) a basketful of letters to be
answered, some of them dating from October, 1928 (2) some bookshelves to be put
up and arranged with books (3) a hair-cut to get (4) a pile of scientific
magazines to go through and clip (I am collecting all references to tropical
fish that I can find, with the idea of someday buying myself one) and (5) an
article to write for this paper.
Now.
With these five tasks staring me in the face on Monday morning, it is little
wonder that I go right back to bed as soon as I have had breakfast, in order to
store up health and strength for the almost superhuman expenditure of energy
that is to come. Mens sana in corpore sano is my motto.
As
I lie in bed on Monday morning storing up strength, I make out a schedule.
"What do I have to do first?" I ask myself. Well, those letters
really should be answered and the pile of scientific magazines should be
clipped. And here is where my secret process comes in. Instead of putting them
first on the list, I put them last. I say: "First you must write that
article for the newspaper." I sometimes go so far in this self-deception
as to make out a list in pencil, with "No. 1. Newspaper article"
underlined in red. (The underlining in red is rather difficult, as there is
never a red pencil on the table beside the bed, unless I have taken one to bed
with me on Sunday night.)
I
then seat myself at my desk with my typewriter before me and sharpen five
pencils. (The sharp pencils are for poking holes in the desk-blotter, and a
pencil has to be pretty sharp to do that. I find that I can't get more than six
holes out of one pencil.) Following this I say to myself "Now, old man!
Get at this article!"
Gradually
the scheme begins to work. My eye catches the pile of magazines, which I have
artfully placed on a near-by table beforehand. I write my name and address at the
top of the sheet of paper in the typewriter and then sink back. The magazines
being within reach, I look to see if anyone is watching me and get one off the
top of the pile. Hello, what's this! In the very first one is an article by Dr.
William Beebe, illustrated by horrifying photographs! Pushing my chair away
from my desk, I am soon hard at work clipping.
One
of the interesting things about the Argyopelius, or "Silver Hatchet"
fish, I find, is that it has eyes in its wrists. I would have been sufficiently
surprised just to find out that a fish had wrists, but to learn that it has
eyes in them is a discovery so astounding that I am hardly able to cut out the
picture.
Thus,
before the afternoon is half over, I have gone through the scientific magazines
and have a neat pile of clippings (including one of a Viper Fish which I wish
you could see. You would die laughing). Then it is back to the grind of the
newspaper article.
This
time I get as far as the title, which I write down with considerable satisfaction
until I find that I have misspelled one word terribly, so that the whole sheet
of paper has to come out and a fresh one be inserted. As I am doing this, my
eye catches the basket of letters.
Now,
if there is one thing that I hate to do (and there is, you may be sure) it is
to write letters. But somehow, with the magazine article before me waiting to
be done, I am seized with an epistolary fervor, and I slyly sneak the first of
the unanswered letters out of the basket. I figure out in my mind that I will
get more into the swing of writing the article if I practice on a few letters.
This
first one, anyway, I really must answer. True, it is from a friend in Antwerp
asking me to look him up when I am in Europe in the summer of 1929, so he can't
actually be watching the incoming boats for an answer, but I owe something to
politeness after all. So instead of putting a fresh sheet of copy-paper into
the typewriter, I slip in one of my handsome bits of personal stationery and
dash off a note to my friend in Antwerp. Then, being well in the letter-writing
mood, I clean up the entire batch.
I
feel a little guilty about the article, but the pile of freshly stamped
envelopes and the bundle of clippings on tropical fish do much to salve my
conscience. Tomorrow I will do the article, and no fooling this time.
When
tomorrow comes I am up with one of the older and more sluggish larks. A fresh
sheet of copy-paper in the machine, and my name and address neatly printed at
the top, and all before eleven A.M.! "A human dynamo" is the name I
think up for myself. I have decided to write something about snake-charming and
am already more than satisfied with the title "These Snake-Charming
People." But, in order to write about snake-charming, one has to know a
little about its history, and where should one go to find history but to a
book? Maybe in that pile of books in the corner is one on snake-charming!
So,
with a perfectly clear conscience, I leave my desk for a few minutes and begin
glancing over the titles. Of course, it is difficult to find any book, much
less one on snake-charming, in a pile which has been standing in the corner for
weeks. What really is needed is for them to be on a shelf where their titles
will be visible at a glance. And there is the shelf, standing beside the pile
of books! It seems almost like a divine command: "If you want to finish
that article, first put up the shelf and arrange the books on it!" Nothing
could be clearer or more logical.
In
order to put up the shelf, the laws of physics have decreed that there must be
nails, a hammer and some sort of brackets. You can't just wet a shelf with your
tongue and stick it up. And, as there are no nails or brackets in the house,
the next thing to do is to put on my hat and go out to buy them. Much as it
disturbs me to put off the actual start of the article, I feel that I am doing
only what is in the line of duty. As I put on my hat, I realize to my chagrin
that I need a hair-cut badly. I can kill two birds with one stone, and stop in
at the barber's on the way back. I will feel all the more like writing after a
turn in the fresh air. Any doctor would tell me that.
So
in a few hours I return, spick and span and smelling of lilac, bearing nails,
brackets, the evening papers and some crackers and peanut butter. Then it's ho!
for a quick snack and a glance through the papers (there might be something in
them which would alter what I was going to write about snake-charming) and in
no time at all the shelf is up, slightly crooked but up, and the books are arranged
in a neat row. There does not happen to be one on snake-charming, but there is
a very interesting one containing some Hogarth prints which will bear closer
inspection.
And
so, you see, in two days I have done four of the things I had to do, simply by
making believe that it was the fifth that I must do. And the next day, I fix up
something else, like taking down the bookshelf and putting it somewhere else,
that I have to do, and then I get the fifth one done.
The
only trouble is that, at this rate, I will soon run out of things to do, and
will be forced to get at my newspaper articles the first thing Monday morning.
[from
Chips off the Old Benchley (c) 1949]
A
little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A
few
minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking
guy
plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls
asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's
afraid
to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the
bathroom.
He knows he can't climb over him, and so the
little
guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to
decide
what to do.
Suddenly,
the plane hits a down draft and an uncontrollable
wave
of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold
it
in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.
About
five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down,
and
sees the vomit all over him.
"So,"
says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
Happy
Valentine's Day
**Contributed
to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, Minnesota**
These
are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most
romantic first line... but the least romantic second line.
1. Love may be beautiful, love may be
bliss
But
I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
2. Thought that I could love no other
Until,
that is, I met your brother.
3. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar
is sweet, and so are you.
But
the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is
your head.
4. Of loving beauty you float with grace
If
only you could hide your face
5. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This
describes everything you are not
6. I want to feel your sweet embrace
But
don't take that paper bag off of your face
7. I love your smile, your face, and your
eyes -
Damn,
I'm good at telling lies!
8. My darling, my lover, my beautiful
wife:
Marrying
you screwed up my life
9. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's
why I always wake up screaming
10.
My love, you take my breath away.
What
have you stepped in to smell this way
11.
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except
for maybe "go to hell"
12.
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two
parts vodka, one part lime.
Women
Over 40
**Contributed
to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Sherry Stinger, via Karen Valdez, Denver,
Colorado**
Here
is a piece written by Andy Rooney ... When he's right, he's right:
Andy
Rooney says, "As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all.
Here are just a few reasons why:
A
woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What
are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If
a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining
about it. She does something she wants to do. And it's usually something more
interesting.
A
woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she
is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a darn what
you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women
over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera
or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they
won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older
women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to
be unappreciated.
A woman over 40 has the self-assurance
to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often
ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.
Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she
knows her friends won't betray her.
Women
get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.
A
woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of
younger women or drag queens.
Once
you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger
counterpart.
Older
women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if
you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with
her.
Yes,
we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Ufortunately, it's not
reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is
a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some
22-year-old waitress.
Ladies,
I apologize.
ANDY
ROONEY
**Contributed
to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Virginia Bray, via Karen Valdez, Denver,
Colorado**
Carrot
sticks: Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows
nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving fudge.
Drink
as much eggnog as you can. Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip?
It's not as if you're going to turn into an egg-nogaholic or something. It's a
treat. Enjoy it. Have two. It's Christmas!
If
something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Do not
have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The
whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for
free.
Under
no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do
that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long
naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a
10-pound plate of food.
If
you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas
cookies in the shape and size of a jolly elf, position yourself near them and
don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.
Same
for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. When else do you get
to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
Fruitcake?
Avoid it at all cost.
If
you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you
haven't been paying attention. Reread these tips. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the
corner.
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit,
patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m.,
regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even
thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the
mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a
worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the
incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes
before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the
ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crossses,
prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when
the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered
the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum
cleaner.
Having a Bad Day????
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ross Goodman, Tacoma,
Washington**
A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a
guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the
guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?" The guy
in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen
says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?" The guy in the
Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan
replies.
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about
to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them
to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his
car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas
plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls
up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels
somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps
on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and
peeks out. The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan,
"What's up?"
"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my
Rolls."
The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME
OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?"
Application For Permission to Date My Daughter, Carrie Simmerman
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by two letters of recommendation, a current high school transcript,
police record, complete financial statement, family history and current medical
report.
NAME:
Date of Birth:
Phone#:
Weight:
IQ:
Social Security #:
Brain Size (S M L)
Boy Scout Rank:
Religious Training:
Do you have one Male and one Female parent?
If NO, attach explanation.
Number of years parent's married.
Any brothers/sisters? Are they normal?
Parent's Names:
Phone #:
Do you have access to a motorcycle?
Truck with oversize tires?
Waterbed?
(If yes
to any of these, discontinue and leave premises immediately)
Last girl dated:
Phone #:
Please use back of paper for your answers to the following:
In 50 words or more, what does "Don't
touch my daughter mean to you?"
In 50 words or more, what does NO mean to you?
In 50 words or more, give your definition of "real
pain".
Music preference (include favorite artists/songs)
Church you attend.
How often to you attend?
When would be the best times to interview your mother, father and
minister or priest?
Employment record.
Extracurricular and Community Activities
Leadership positions
Please Fill in the Blanks
If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded
would be my _________
If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be my
_________
A woman's place is in the _________
The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is _________
When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice first is her
_________
(If the answer
involves a body part, leave premises immediately,
keeping your
head low, running in a serpentine fashion.)
What do you want to be when you grow up? _________
I swear and affirm that all the above information is complete and
accurate to the best of my knowledge, under penalty of death, bodily harm,
dismemberment, torture or mental abuse.
Signature of applicant __________________
Signature of father __________________
Signature of mother __________________
Signature of minister/priest __________________
IN WITNESS WHEREOF I hereby set my hand an official seal:
________________
Notary Public
Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4-6 weeks for
processing.
You will be contacted in writing if approved. If denied, please do not apply again. Don't call. Someone will call you.
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ross Goodman, Tacoma,
Washington**
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking.
"So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to
live on!"
LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big
problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely
natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me
up!"
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his
wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when
you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never
home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was
mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back
his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was
considered cosmetic. The doctor
said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000
for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but
the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any
decision. The man called his wife
on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking
dejected. "Well, what have
the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you
a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
WOMEN'S HUMOR
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This
will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all
over the doorknobs. He couldn't
get back in.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make
you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says..... "I'll miss
you."
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN...
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Bill Mead, Bethesda,
Maryland**
You let your twelve-year-old daughter
smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and
still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of
your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of
"most admired people."
You wonder how service stations keep
their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right
after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia
leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a
ceiling fan.
Your junior prom had a daycare.
You think the last words of the Star
Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and
your house exploded right off its wheels.
The bluebook value of your truck goes
up/down, depending on how much gas is in it.
You have to go outside to get something
from the fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool
table.
You need one more hole punched in your
card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You can't get married to your
sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You think loading a dishwasher means
getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on
it.
Somebody hollers, "Hoe Down"
and your girlfriend hits the floor.
If you have a complete set of salad
bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
If the biggest city you've ever been to
is Walmart..
If your working T.V. sits on top of
your non-working T.V.
If you thought the Una-bomber was a
wrestler.
If you've ever used your ironing board
as a buffet table.
If you think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the
K-Mart.
If your neighbors think you're a
detective because a cop always brings you home.
If you think fast food is hitting a
deer at 65 mph.
If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you
take them out to see what it is.
**Contributed
to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carter Olson, St. Paul, Minnesota**
If
you remember this show and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes.
They are well worth the time it takes to read them. These great questions and answers are from the days when
Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not
scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking
the questions, of course. The younger readers among you won't know who some of these people are. Go ask your
parents..
Q.
Do female frogs croak?
A.
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q.
If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A.
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q.
True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A.
George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems
that way sometimes.
Q.
You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.
Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q.
According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's
attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning..
Q.
Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q.
In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with
a pineapple and a twenty.
Q.
What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get
Enough"?
A.
George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q.
Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A.
Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.
Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any
during the first year?
A.
Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q.
In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A.
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q.
It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is
politics, what is the other?
A.
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q.
During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm
always safe in the bedroom.
Q.
Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.
Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q.
When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A.
Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q.
If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would
never be afraid of the dark.
Q.
According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit
of kissing a lot of people?
A.
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q.
While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo!
Poo!" What does this mean?
A.
George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
Q.
It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it
certainly isn't neglected.
Q.
Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was
he trying to do?
A.
George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q.
Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A.
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q.
When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.
Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car; the rest is up to him.
Q.
Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
**Contributed
to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ross Goodman, Tacoma, Washington**
A
man sat at a local bar savoring a double martini when an attractive woman sat
down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of vodka and orange juice.
The
man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"
What a coincidence. I'm celebrating too," she replied, clinking glasses
with him. "What are you celebrating?" she asked.
"As
it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but
today they're finally fertile."
"What
a coincidence", she said. "For years my husband and I have been
trying to have a child. Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did
your chickens become fertile?" she asked.
"Oh,
I switched roosters," he replied.
"What
a coincidence," she said.
Wise
Farmer
**Contributed
to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carter Olson, St. Paul, Minnesota**
A
farmer went to town to buy a new pickup truck that he saw advertised in the
paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which one he wanted, they
sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the
farmer exclaimed, "This isn't the price you advertised!"
The
salesman explained how he was getting extras such as power steering, power
brakes, power windows, special tires, etc. and that was what took the price up.
The
farmer, needing the truck badly, paid the price and went home. A few months later, the salesman called
up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a
project. Do you have any for sale?"
The
farmer replied, "Yes, I have a few cows I would sell for $500 apiece, Come
and look at them and take your pick."
The
salesman said he and his son would be right out . After spending a few hours in
the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the
salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.
The
farmer said------"Now wait a minute, that's not the final price of
the cow, you're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that
too."
"What
extras?" asked the salesman.
Below
is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the
cow,,,,,,,,,,
BASIC
COW....................$500.00
Two-tone
exterior.................45.00
Extra
stomachs.....................75.00
Product
storing equipment....60.00
Straw
compartment............120.00
4
spigots @$10 ea..............40.00
Leather
upholstery.............125.00
Dual
horns..........................45.00
Automatic
fly swatter ..........38.00
Fertilizer
attachment..........185.00
GRAND
TOTAL ........... $1,233.00
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Stephen Papa, New York
City, New York**
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and
orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the
biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house
today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking
woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would
fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on
with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker
still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll
tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the
shoulders and says, "Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home."
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Sharon Strawderman,
Harrisonburg, Virginia**
Three blondes applied for a detectives job. The detective got up, opened up a file
drawer and pulled out a file folder.
Sitting back down, he opened up the file and withdrew a picture and
said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to "detect." You must be able to notice things such
as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew
it after about 2 seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing
features about the man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye."
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only
one eye in the picture. It is a
profile of his face. You're
dismissed." The first blonde
hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde and stuck the photo
in front of her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about
you? Notice anything unusual or
outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't
you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see on ear. You're excused, too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and the last
blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a
couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing
or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began
looking at some papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right. His
bio says he wears contacts. How in
the world could you tell by looking at this picture?"
The blonde roller her eyes and said,
"Duh! With only one eye and
one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"
**Contributed
to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carter Olson, St. Paul, Minnesota**
If
you remember this show and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes.
They are well worth the time it takes to read them. These great questions and answers are from the days when
Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted
and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the
questions, of course. The younger readers among you won't know who some of these people are. Go ask your
parents..
Q.
Do female frogs croak?
A.
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q.
If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A.
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q.
True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A.
George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems
that way sometimes.
Q.
You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.
Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q.
According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's
attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning..
Q.
Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q.
In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with
a pineapple and a twenty.
Q.
What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get
Enough"?
A.
George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q.
Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A.
Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.
Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any
during the first year?
A.
Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q.
In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A.
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q.
It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is
politics, what is the other?
A.
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q.
During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm
always safe in the bedroom.
Q.
Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.
Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q.
When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A.
Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q.
If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would
never be afraid of the dark.
Q.
According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit
of kissing a lot of people?
A.
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q.
While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo!
Poo!" What does this mean?
A.
George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
Q.
It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it
certainly isn't neglected.
Q.
Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was
he trying to do?
A.
George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q.
Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A.
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q.
When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.
Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car; the rest is up to him.
Q.
Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Coincidence
**Contributed
to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Ross Goodman, Tacoma, Washington**
A
man sat at a local bar savoring a double martini when an attractive woman sat
down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of vodka and orange juice.
The
man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"
What a coincidence. I'm celebrating too," she replied, clinking glasses
with him. "What are you celebrating?" she asked.
"As
it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but
today they're finally fertile."
"What
a coincidence", she said. "For years my husband and I have been
trying to have a child. Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did
your chickens become fertile?" she asked.
"Oh,
I switched roosters," he replied.
"What
a coincidence," she said.
Wise
Farmer
**Contributed
to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carter Olson, St. Paul, Minnesota**
A
farmer went to town to buy a new pickup truck that he saw advertised in the
paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which one he wanted, they
sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the
farmer exclaimed, "This isn't the price you advertised!"
The
salesman explained how he was getting extras such as power steering, power
brakes, power windows, special tires, etc. and that was what took the price up.
The
farmer, needing the truck badly, paid the price and went home. A few months later, the salesman called
up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a
project. Do you have any for sale?"
The
farmer replied, "Yes, I have a few cows I would sell for $500 apiece, Come
and look at them and take your pick."
The
salesman said he and his son would be right out . After spending a few hours in
the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the
salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.
The
farmer said------"Now wait a minute, that's not the final price of
the cow, you're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that
too."
"What
extras?" asked the salesman.
Below
is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the
cow,,,,,,,,,,
BASIC
COW....................$500.00
Two-tone
exterior.................45.00
Extra
stomachs.....................75.00
Product
storing equipment....60.00
Straw
compartment............120.00
4
spigots @$10 ea..............40.00
Leather
upholstery.............125.00
Dual
horns..........................45.00
Automatic
fly swatter ..........38.00
Fertilizer
attachment..........185.00
GRAND
TOTAL ........... $1,233.00
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who
were kids in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived,
because:
* Our baby cots were covered with
brightly colored lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked.
* We had
no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it
was fine to play with pans.
* When
we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent 'spokey
dokey's' on our wheels.
* As
children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags - riding in the
passenger seat was a treat.
* We
drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the same.
* We ate
chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we
were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
* We
shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one actually
died from this.
* We
would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down
the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.
* After
running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
* We
would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as we were back
before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one minded.
* We did
not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on TV,
no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal
computers, no Internet chat rooms.
* We had
friends we went outside and found them. We played elastics and street rounders,
and sometimes that ball really hurt.
* We
fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones but there were no lawsuits.
* We had
full on fist fights but no prosecution followed from other parents.
* We
played nick-nack and were afraid of the owners catching us.
* We
walked to friend's homes.
* We
also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to
drive us to school, which was just round the corner.
* We
made up games with sticks and tennis balls.
* We
rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.
* The
idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law unheard of. They actually
sided with the law.
* This
generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and
inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new
ideas.
* We had
freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with
it all.
* And
you're one of them. Congratulations!
Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow as real kids,
before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good. For those
of you who aren't old enough, thought you might like to read about us.
IMPOSSIBLE
Complaint
Never
underestimate your Clients' Complaint, no matter how funny it might be!
This
is an apparently real story happened between the customer of General Motors and
its Customer-Care Executive.
A
complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors:
"This
is the second time I have written to you, and I don't blame you for not
answering me, because I sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a
tradition in our family of Ice Cream for dessert after dinner each night. But
the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole
family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the
store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and
since then my trips to the store have created a problem."
You
see, every time I buy a vanilla ice-cream, when I start back from the store my
car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just
fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly
it sounds:
'What
is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream,
and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?"
The
Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an
Engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a
successful, obviously well educated man in a fine neighborhood.
He
had arranged to meet the man just after dinnertime, so the two hopped into the
car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and,
sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start.
The
Engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, they got chocolate.
The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The
third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start.
Now
the Engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was
allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits
for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to
take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data: time of day, type of gas uses,
time to drive back and forth etc. In a short time, he had a clue: the man took
less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor.
Why?
The answer was in the layout of the store. Vanilla, being the most popular
flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All
the other flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different counter
where it took considerably longer to check out the flavor.
Now,
the question for the Engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less
time. TIME became the problem - not the vanilla ice cream. Eureka !!!!
The
engineer quickly came up with the answer: "vapor lock".
It
was happening every night; but the extra time taken to get the other flavors
allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got
vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate.
Remember:
Even
crazy looking problems are sometimes real and all problems seem to be simple
only when we find the solution with cool thinking.
Don't
just say its "IMPOSSIBLE" without putting a sincere effort...
Observe
the word "IMPOSSIBLE" carefully... Looking closer you will
see,
"I'M POSSIBLE"...
What
really matters is your attitude and your perception.
Seen
on "T" Shirts
**Contributed
to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Jeff Skogmo, Frazee, Minnesota**
1)
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
2)
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3)
I work hard because millions on
welfare depend on me!
4)
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5)
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6)
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7)
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8)
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..
9)
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10)
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting
many is research.
11)
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12)
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
15)
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
16)
The gene pool could use a little
chlorine.
17)
It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
18)
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
19)
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
20)
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
21)
Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
22)
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
23)
Procrastinate Now
24)
Rehab Is for Quitters
25) My Dog Can Lick Anyone
26)
Finally 21, and Legally Able To Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15
27)
West Virginia: One million people and 15 last names
28)
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes
bundled with the software.
29)
MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
30)
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
31)
STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP.. Park elsewhere!
32
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
33)
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead
34)
POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .....
Cops have nothing to go on.
35)
FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never
fired.. Dropped once.
36)
HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH
37)
A PICTURE IS WORTH A 1000 WORDS, but it uses up a 10,000 times the memory.
38)
The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
39)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit
flies like a banana.
40)
HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a
chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
41)
WELCOME TO SOUTH CAROLINA - Set your watch back 20 years.
42)
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
43)
The original "point and click interface" was a Smith & Wesson.
Dangerous
Food
**Contributed
to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Virginia Bray, via Karen Valdez, Denver,
Colorado**
A
Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to
have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks
corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets
can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous
of all and we all have, or will, eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering
for years after eating it?"
After
several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand
and said,"Wedding Cake."
THE
CATHOLIC DICTIONARY
**Contributed
to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Virginia Bray, via Karen Valdez, Denver,
Colorado**
AMEN:
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN:
Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR:
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to
lip-sync.
HOLY
WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN:
A song of praise, usually sung in a key three notes higher than that of the
congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL
HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of
the people have already left.
INCENSE:
Holy Smoke!
JESUITS:
An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good
basketball teams.
JONAH:
The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE:
When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE
ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros
and baklava.
PROCESSION:
The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers,
the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL:
The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying
to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS:
People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit,
kneel, and stand.
TEN
COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS:
The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
History
Exam for Seniors
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carter
Olson, St. Paul, Minnesota**
1.
In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?
a.
On the floor shift knob
b.
On the floorboard, to the left of the clutch
c.
Next to the horn
2.
The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it
used?
a.
Capture lightning bugs
b.
To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c.
Large saltshaker
3.
Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
a.
Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
b.
Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c.
Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding
and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.
4.
What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
a.
Blackjack
b.
Gin
c.
Craps!
5.
What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none
were available due to rationing during W.W.II?
a.
Suntan
b.
Leg painting
c.
Wearing slacks
6.
What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell
whether it was coming or going?
a.
Studebaker
b.
Nash Metro
c.
Tucker
7.
Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a.
Strips of dried peanut butter
b.
Chocolate licorice bars
c.
Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
8.
How was Butch wax used?
a.
To stiffen a flattop haircut so it stood up
b.
To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c.
On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust
9.
Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your
shoes?
a.
With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b.
Woven straps that crossed the foot
c.
Long pieces of twine
10.
As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
a.
Consider all the facts
b.
Ask Mom
c.
Eeny-meeny-miney-mo
11.
What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?
a.
Smallpox
b.
AIDS
c.
Polio
12.
"I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
a.
SUV
b.
Taxi
c.
Streetcar
13.
What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
a.
Old Blue
b.
Paint
c.
Macaroni
14.
What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
a.
Part of the game of hide and seek
b.
What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores
c.
Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb
drill.
15.
What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
a.
Princess Summerfallwinterspring
b.
Princess Sacajewea
c.
Princess Moonshadow
16.
What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed
out in school?
a.
Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high
b.
Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window
c.
Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid your failure
17.
Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
a.
To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum.
b.
They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items.
c.
They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos.
18.
Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?
a.
Meatballs
b.
Dames
c.
Ammunition
19.
What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver"
a hit?
a.
The Ink Spots
b.
The Supremes
c.
The Esquires
20.
Who left his heart in San Francisco?
a.
Tony Bennett
b.
Xavier Cugat
c.
George Gershwin
ANSWERS
1.
b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe,
took till the late '60s to catch
on.
2.
b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?
3.
c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.
4.
a) Blackjack Gum.
5.
b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the
leg with eyebrow pencil.
6.
a) 1946 Studebaker.
7.
c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.
8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch)
haircut.
9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate
key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.
10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.
11. c) Polio. In beginning of August,
swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were
closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.
12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by
half-past eight!
13. c) Macaroni.
14. c) Hiding under your desk, and
covering your head with your arms in an A- bomb drill.
15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring.
She was another puppet.
16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple
ink to get a high.
17. b) Put in a special stamp book,
they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.
18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be
free.
19. a) The all male, all black group:
The Inkspots.
20. a) Tony Bennett
SCORING
17 - 20 correct: You are not only older
than dirt, but obviously gifted with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses. Definitely a GEEZER!
12 - 16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but
your mind is definitely muddy.
0 - 11 correct: You are a sad excuse for
a geezer or you are younger than springtime!
Classes
for Men
**Contributed
to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Paulette Fittshur, via Karen Valdez, Denver,
Colorado**
Classes
for men at our local Learning Center for Adults - Sign-up by November 30th
NOTE:
Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their content, each
course
will accept a maximum of 8 participants.
TOPIC
1
HOW
TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step
by step, with slide presentation.
TOPIC
2
THE
TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round
table discussion.
TOPIC
3
IS
IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND AVOIDING
THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB?
Group
Practice.
TOPIC
4
FUNDAMENTAL
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.
Pictures
and explanatory graphics.
TOPIC
5
THE
AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN
SINK?
Examples
on Video.
TOPIC
6
LOSS
OF IDENTITY : LOSING THE REMOTE OR ALLOWING OTHERS TO USE IT.
Help
line support and support groups.
TOPIC
7
LEARNING
HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING
THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
Open
forum.
TOPIC
8
HEALTH
WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
Graphics
and audio tape.
TOPIC
9
REAL
MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
Real
life testimonials.
TOPIC
10
IS
IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving
simulation.
TOPIC
11
LEARNING
TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LIVING ALONE OR WITH OTHERS.
Online
classes and role playing.
TOPIC
12
HOW
TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
Relaxation,
exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
TOPIC
13
HOW
TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE .
Cerebral
shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
TOPIC
14
CAR
KEYS AND OTHER ITEMS:
Practice
on developing skills of putting things back where they belong so that they can
be easily found.
Upon
completion of each course, diplomas will be issued to any survivors.
Dentists
and Golf
**Contributed
to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by David Dukart, Lakewood, Colorado, via Karen
Valdez, Denver, Colorado**
A
couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of the men said that he was
going to go to Dr. Lookner for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His
elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the same dentist a few years
before.
"Is
that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he do a good job?"
The
second gent replied, "Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow
on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph
when it hit me right in the testicles."
The
first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have to do with your
dentures?"
The
second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth
didn't hurt."
BRITISH
COURTESY
**Contributed
to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Eduardo Ramos, San Francisco**
An
American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something
terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to
relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of
business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.
"Look
here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.
I'm
sorry," the American replied, but I really got to take a leak."
You
can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."
The
police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty
flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz
away."
The
American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started peeing on the flowers.
"Ahh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said,
"This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"
"No,"
said the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
**Contributed
to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, MN**
1. AS WELCOME AS A SKUNK AT A LAWN PARTY.
Self-explanatory
2. TIGHTER THAN BARK ON A TREE.
Not
very generous
3. BIG HAT, NO CATTLE.
All
talk and no action
4. WE'VE HOWDIED BUT WE AIN'T SHOOK YET.
We've
made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.
5. HE THINKS THE SUN CAME UP JUST TO HEAR
HIM CROW.
He
has a pretty high opinion of himself.
6. IT'S SO DRY THE TREES ARE BRIBIN' THE
DOGS.
We
really could use a little rain around here.
7. JUST BECAUSE A CHICKEN HAS WINGS
DOESN'T MEAN IT CAN FLY.
Appearances
can be deceptive.
8. THIS AIN'T MY FIRST RODEO.
I've
been around awhile.
9. HE LOOKS LIKE THE DOG'S BEEN KEEPIN'
HIM UNDER THE PORCH.
Not
the most handsome of men.
10. THEY ATE SUPPER BEFORE THEY SAID GRACE.
Living
in sin.
11. TIME TO PAINT YOUR BUTT WHITE AND RUN
WITH THE ANTELOPE.
Stop
arguing and do as you're told.
12. AS FULL OF WIND AS A CORN-EATING HORSE.
Rather
prone to boasting.
13. YOU CAN PUT YOUR BOOTS IN THE OVEN BUT
THAT DOESN'T MAKE THEM
BISCUITS.
You
can say whatever you want about something, but doesn't change what it is.
14. WE'RE CHOPPIN' TALL COTTON.
Things
are going well.
**Contributed
to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Carter Olson, St. Paul, Minnesota**
NEWLYWEDS
Ole
and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis
when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can
go farther dan dat if you vant to." So Ole drove to Duluth.
IN
THE OUTHOUSE
When
the Norwegian accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw
in his watch and billfold and went into the house to tell his wife.
"Vy
did you do dat?" she asked.
He
explained, "By yimminyy, I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents."
THAT'S
HER!
A
Norwegian appeared with five other men in a police line-up. All were suspects
in a rape case. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted,
"Yep dat's her!"
SWIM
COMPETITION -
A
Norwegian woman competed with a French woman and an English woman in the Breast
Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The French woman came
in first, the English woman second.
Finally the Norwegian woman reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and
coffee, she remarked, "I
don't vant to complain, but I tink those other two girls used dere arms."
VE
VERE LUCKY -
Two
Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one
fish.
"The
way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400" said the first Norwegian.
"Vell,"
said the other one, "At dat price it's a good ting we didn't catch any
more."
PROBLEMS
ON THE FARM -
Two
Norwegians were trying to get a mule into their barn but its ears were too
long. One Norwegian suggested raising the barn. The other one thought they
should dig a trench. "No, you dummy," exploded the first, "it's
the ears that are too long, not the legs!"
LOST
& FOUND
Norwegian
nurse was asked why she had a rectal thermometer behind her ear. "My goodness,: she exclaimed,
"now I remember where I left my pen."
MILKING
TIME -
How
many Norwegians does it take to milk a cow? Ten.... four to hold onto the
faucets and the other six to lift the cow up and down.
BAR
RIDDLE -
A
Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the
next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner. "Look," he said, "let's
have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy YOU a
drink. If you can't then you buy ME one. OK?"
"Ja,
dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.
The
Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It
wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
The
Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas
it?"
"It
was ME," chortled the Indian.
So
the Norwegian paid for the drinks.
Back
in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies.
"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question,
I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, YOU have to buy ME vun. Fair enough?"
"Fair
enough," said Sven.
"OK...my
fadder and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who
vas it?"
"Search
me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"
"It
vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota."
HEARING, YOU SAY?
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Deanna Sinclair, Detroit Lakes, Minnesota**
Sven, Ole & Lars, each with
a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine summer day.
Sven remarked to the others,
"Windy, isn't it?"
"No," Ole replied,
"it's Thursday."
And Lars chimed
in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Stephen Papa, NY
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Cinnamon
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
British Constitution
Loquacious Transubstantiate
Passive-aggressive disorder
Specificity
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
You're right; I can't jump over that table.
Welfare Office in Arkansas
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lil Isaak, Bismarck,
North Dakota, via Karen Valdez, Denver, Colorado**
A lady walks into the welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
"Wow," the social worker exclaims, "Are they all yours?"
"Yes, they's all mine," the tired Mom sighs, having
heard that question a thousand times before.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be
here to sign up. I'll need all their names,"
"This'uns my oldest--he's Leroy."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this'uns Leroy, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one,
through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, also named Leroy.
"All right, I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named
Leroy?"
"Well, yes--it's actually really convenient. When it's time
for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' and they's all come a-runnin. And if I needs
to stop the kid who's runnin into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and the kid,
whoever he is, stops in his tracks. It's the smartest idea ever had, naming them
all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles
her forehead and says tentatively,
"But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"Ah, that's easy," says the mother. "Then I call's
em by their last names."
Humorous Quotes from Dave Barry hits below the Beltway
* I have
long contended that, however many zillion dollars the federal government costs
us, we get it all back and more in the form of quality entertainment.
*
Washington is a fine city, offering statues, buildings and plenty of culture in
the form of Thai restaurants.
* An ant
colony is every bit as complex and organized as human society. In fact it is
more organized, because there are no teenagers.
* Ants -
tiny creatures with a primitive brain no larger than that of a psychic-hotline
caller.
*
Organizational structures can be found throughout nature: Monkeys form troops,
birds form flocks, fish form schools, worms form bunches of worms, intestinal
parasites form law firms, etc.
* The
first humans were short, hairy, tree-dwelling creatures that strongly resembled
Danny DeVito.
* The
first animals to be successfully domesticated were dogs, which were a big help
because they would bark all night and fetch thrown sticks, thereby freeing
humans from having to perform these tedious yet vital tasks.
* An
estimated 83 percent of the population lived on farms.*
* Source : an unusually vivid dream
* What
the Founding Fathers were saying basically was : "Why should we let people
over in England saddle us with an unresponsive government and stupid laws? We
can create our own!"
* The
colonists were at last free to form a new nation, which they decided to name
"The United States of America" in recognition of the fact that
"Luxembourg" was taken.
* The
only way to get elected to Congress is to raise a bunch of campaign money, and
pretty much the only way to do that is to already be a member of Congress.
* Even
if the entire District of Columbia were transformed into a gigantic
two-mile-deep hole, taxpayers would be required to stand around the edge and
throw money into the smoking cavity.
* We
should learn to view the federal government as entertainment - a comedy
extravaganza.
* As a
student visiting the capital, you also learn many important educational lessons
such as - How to moon pedestrians from a moving bus.
*
L'Enfant envisioned a city with streets that formed a logical,
easy-to-understand grid pattern. But then he drank two quarts of corn liquor
and laid out the present-day Washington.
* The
streets of Washington were full of potholes, which today are painstakingly
maintained in their original condition by the Department of Historic Pot-hole
Preservation.
* After
the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available
the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression.
* The
vast majority of lawyers are responsible professionals as well as, in many
ways, human beings.
* The
Pentagon boasts more than seventeen miles of corridors; there are people
wandering around here still trying to deliver urgent memos pertaining to the
Normandy Invasion.
* Over
the years the quality of our presidential timber has declined; today we are
pretty much satisfied if our president stays out of jail and occasionally emits
a complete sentence.
* South
Florida residents own as many guns as the North Korean army, although ours are
generally of a higher caliber.
This, my friends, is surprisingly frightening and it might put a
smile on your face:
á The majority of
students in universities today were born in 1983........They are called youth.
á They have never
heard of We are the World, We are the children and the Uptown Girl they know is
by Westlife not Billy Joel.
á They have never
heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena or Belinda Carlisle.
á For them, there has
always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.
á AIDS has existed
since they were born.
á CD's have existed
since they were born.
á Michael Jackson has
always been white.
á To them John
Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy
could be a god of dance.
á They believe that
Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are films from last year.
á They can never
imagine life before computers.
á They'll never have
pretended to be the A Team, Red Hand Gang or the Famous Five.
á They'll never have
applied to be on Jim'll Fix It or Why Don't You.
á They can't believe
a black and white television ever existed and don't even know how to switch on
a TV without a remote control.
á They will never
understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone.
Now let's check if we're getting old...
* You
understand what was written above and you smile.
* You need
to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.
* Your
friendsÕ kids are getting married/already married.
* You
are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with computers.
* When
you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.
* You
remember watching Dirty Den in East Enders the first time around.
* You
meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good old days, repeating
again all the funny you have experienced together.
* Having
read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some other friends because
you think they will like it too...
Yes, you're getting older!!!!
Back to Resources Page
home to Performance Management Home Page